Since February

I always thought I was one to over-analyse. Sometimes I stress about little unimportant things because I am afraid they won't work out the way I want them to. In a sense I am a stereotypical German: I like the security that comes with planning and order. But I also thrive off of improvisation, especially when it comes to artwork, poetry, and essay writing. I love spontaneously deciding to do things just out of the blue. I think my personality is full of opposites. I can be extremely serious and ridiculously funny in the same day. And media class this semester brought to my attention that I do not always read deeply into things as I sometimes think I do. I hate the saying that there is always a way to find meaning in meaningless things. I completely disagree: some things are actually meaningless. But I contradict my own belief because I have a tendancy to overthink the smallest remarks people make in everyday conversation. People say thousands of things every day. Not everything that people say is literally meant nor even believed by the person who says it. I am often an over- analyser and it drives both other people and I nuts. But in media class I realized sometimes I am the opposite. I think the whole argument about Disney princesses corrupting the youth is bogous, but I still respect and understand people who think otherwise. Yes, Ariel is too skinny to be alive and her boobs are huge but who cares. It's a great movie with great music. I think many children have more self esteem than we sometimes think. A kid can splash around in a pool and feel like Ariel the same way that I was certain I resembled the beautiful Mulan as a child. Too bad I was blonde and Mulan is Chinese. It really bothers me that I have this opinion and then I also think it is kind of sad that slightly deformed gummy bears are sold super cheap where I work. Media class made me realize that I don't exactly know who I am: I have trouble making up my mind. I am not going to sit here and pretend that the way things look do not matter. Of course they do. That's why when the Ritz cracker package is slightly bent it is sold for half price. I understand why people don't want to put bent cracker boxes out on the shelf: it doesn't look good. But the quality inside is still the same. I think it is hypocritical when people say, "I would never care what the man I romantically love looks like. It's all about who he is as a person." I fully admit that I care. I think it is extremely important to be attracted to the person you are romantic with or else it wouldn't even feel romantic. Of course who he is as a person is much more important but I can admit I would not be happy if I was married to a man I thought was hideous even if he was the kindest person I had ever met. There would be no romantic attraction! The great thing is that we all have different opinions. The most handsome man to me might seem ugly to my sister.
Another thing I learned about myself in media studies is that I am fairly sheltered when it comes to music. I love the sounds of some music from different decades but my Ipod is mostly 21st century artists. I would really like to try to get more of a variety.
Also I feel morally corrupt that I still pay on iTunes for music. It's stange: I feel corrupt for not stealing? Yes. Because the truth is I do not pay for music because I would feel too bad taking it for free. I feel like a total idiot but I am too lazy to download a program that would get me music for free. I also don't know how but I could get my friend to help me if I wanted to. I am so ashamed because the truth is paying 99 cents for each song really is nothing to me. I have a habit of throwing around money because I know I have money so I don't feel like it's a big deal. Don't worry though, it is my OWN money, not that of my parents. But still I am disappointed in myself for that. It sounds horrible but I know I am not the only one who feels this way about money. The good thing is I recognize and thank the luck that I have to live where I live and to be able to work for $9.60 an hour. I truly feel very thankful and fortunate for that and I wish everyone could be as lucky as I am. I have my own sponsor child and I am proud of myself for that but then again I feel like it should be expected of me to help less fortunate people. So anyways, I think I will try to start downloading music for free, which so happens to be illegal.
Throughout the past 5 months I have learned a lot about myself, and although some of these things disappoint me, the learning experience has surely been for the better.